I Need a Win

I knew when I took a first stab at submitting a short story, there was a pretty good chance I wasn’t going to make it. I figured getting a rejection letter or my first publication were both desirable scenarios.

Either outcome would be a win, I told myself.

It’s said that every author needs rejection letters. Some frame their first and use it as motivation. They ask, “If you don’t have at least one rejection letter, can you even call yourself a writer?”

Well, yes. Yes you can. But it’s part of the experience, they say. A rite of passage.

Even so, I did everything I could to make sure this would be a win. I grabbed a tried-and-true short story I’d been sitting on for years, added more polish to it, had beta readers read it, and even turned it over to a professional editor (A good, award-winning one that costs serious money).

Then I had beta readers read it again for a final round of edits before finally turning it in on day one of the submission window (which I heard can greatly help your odds).

It was clean, formatted perfectly, full of evocative prose, it met or exceeded all the guidelines, and it had intriguing hooks to carry readers to the end. I was confident in the strength of my story and followed the submission guidelines perfectly.

Meanwhile, I launched myself as an author and became familiar with the writing circles on Twitter. But a newcomer bursting onto the scene out of nowhere can seem a bit grifter-ish. So I figured if I could get published in a short story magazine, especially one as contested as Cirsova was last month, it would give me some early and much-needed “street cred”.

Maybe it was wishful thinking that I’d be good enough to get published on my first try. But I’ve been writing for sixteen years now and I’m not getting any younger. I figured I’d knock someone’s socks off with an amazing story – Really wow some folks with a virtually pro-level first outing.

So I was on top of the world after meeting the deadline. I submitted a story I could be proud of, something I knew would be good enough that, even if I got a rejection, it wouldn’t be because of the strength of the writing. With all that in mind, I headed out to the first con I’ve been to since 2002 to bask in the writing world, making my first public appearance as “Nick Enlowe, writer”, making as many connections and absorbing all the information I could.

Things started looking less hopeful when I heard I was up against 1.2 million words of valid submissions, apparently a record-breaking amount for the magazine. (For comparison, Anvil, another awesome publication I was considering, had 400k words submitted.) That meant my short story amounted to only 0.2% of the total submissions. That’s great for Cirsova and its popularity, but maybe it wasn’t so good for a new guy trying to break into the scene.

So I figure they probably got around 240 submissions. The odds of some nobody newcomer getting in were pretty slim. Cirsova has a lot of friends, a lot of regulars that submit frequently, and I’m sure the editors felt an obligation to continue featuring many of them. And I can’t blame them for that.

Another bad sign was when it was revealed they would be publishing multiple novellas that were “too good to pass up”. That’s great they were getting stories that were enjoyable, but the inclusion of novellas of course didn’t help my odds. Figure one 20,000+ word novella means at least three other authors will get rejection letters.

And of course, they’re going to publish manga/comics before they publish short stories – people care more about visual medium than prose these days, even if the story is not very good.

I also wasn’t aware that these publications lean toward Sword & Sorcery. What I submitted was more of a Gaiman-esque Dark Horror Fairy Tale. It was a damn good one if I do say so myself, but not necessarily what they were looking for. However, it did have some sword, some sorcery, and definitely some Weird elements in it. It’s the kind of story that would fit excellently into a Fall horror story issue, and just might get a pass in such a ‘zine.

But submitting to these magazines can feel like being the new guy trying for a manager position. I’m up against a lot of folks, and most of them have seniority over me. One of the established employees is almost certainly going to get the position, and rightfully so. I haven’t been around for very long, and that’s my fault. I can’t expect to just waltz through the door and step into a senior role.

Or maybe it’s more like submitting a resume to get your first job, only you have no apparent job experience. I actually have tons of practical experience, but nothing that can officially be put down on that resume (ie: publishing credits). My story submission is my job interview. I can dress it up, make it snazzy, but the other guy who also submitted something snazzy and has tons of publishing credits to boot is going to win every time.

And so, in came the rejection letter. And in creeped the self-doubt. Am I even half as good as I think? Do I have the ability to properly evaluate a story? Maybe I do suck. Maybe I’m wasting my time and shouldn’t be writing.

I’ve technically been rejected three times now:

1. College contest: Never heard back. What’s worse, I lost to some corny patriotic essay by some kid who isn’t actually patriotic. I guess that’s what I get trying to submit fiction to an anything-goes contest. Essays, poems, anything was valid.
2. Submitted three stories to a Writing Excuses podcast contest: Never heard back. Not even a “thank you for submitting” acknowledgement. I just kind of had to figure I’d lost when I heard they’d announced a winner.
3. Short story to Cirsova magazine: Heard back, they enjoyed the story and said it was interesting, but it was rejected for space.

Hey, at least that’s progress. I’ll take it.

And then there’s these sticky wickets:

• The card game is still on hiatus. I was told the final contract would be signed August 28th. Still waiting on that.
• Never got a response to my friendly and carefully worded follow-up Email to the Baen editor.
• My blog traffic has dried up. According to site traffic, no one read my previous blog post.
• I’ve been working hard on a Sword & Sorcery yarn and shared the beginning, to no excitement, no feedback.

Historically, I’ve let defeats REALLY get me down. Like, depressed. I was hoping a rejection letter this time would fire me up and give me some, “I’ll show you! You’ll regret the day you rejected me!!!”-type energy. But it’s not having that effect. The rejection letter didn’t land at all how I expected.

I’m not depressed and I’m not elated either. But I’m not letting this stop me from moving forward. Two different professional writers have told me now, “Write, and let no one stop you!” — I’ve taken that advice to heart.

The other half of this is that the rejection has taken me down a peg or two. I was perhaps getting too prideful, too confident, and sometimes it’s good to be humbled. Maybe this was God’s way of doing just that, so I thank Him.

After the Writing Excuses debacle (around 2011), I was so devastated and depressed about never hearing back, I didn’t write anything for an entire year. I know that sounds pathetic, but it’s the truth. This time, though, I intend to carry on. I’m pretty sure I’m still talented. I wrote yesterday with what little time I had, and here I am blogging again.

But is putting myself through all this for 0.015 cents a word worth all this hassle and rejection? No. However, it is worth putting out a story I can be proud of. I want to be part of the writing sphere, want to have interesting discussions with other authors. And the only way to do that is by putting myself out there.

As an aside, how in the living heck are writers still getting paid only a penny per word for their fiction? We’re getting paid the same as writers did at the turn of the previous century. We’re still writing Penny Dreadfuls. How does that even work? Inflation doesn’t seem to care about writer pay. I mean, at a penny a word, I may as well sell you the story for free if budget is at all a concern. I’d rather take the publishing credit and you keep your fifteen bucks if it helps tilt the odds in my favor.

At any rate, I need a win. A buddy of mine told me today I shouldn’t let others gatekeep my success. He’s right, but I grew up enjoying and reading these short fiction magazines. I’d really like to get a Nick Enlowe story in one. It would help me regain a lot of self-confidence.

I’ve read many short stories, old and new, and I feel I’ve more than reached a competitive level. 2023 me is far better at writing than 2007 me, there’s no question. I sure as heck wouldn’t have wanted to face my future self. So I should have a significant advantage over newbie writers trying to break in. Furthermore, I’ve done an ungodly amount of editing, even at a pro level. I must have done over 1,000 crit exchanges in my time, and I’ve technically even edited the first few chapters of a Dragon Award winner. I’m no slouch.

The editor I was talking about earlier, who edited my Never-Ending Night story and does a ton of volume, has worked on one other story of mine and has told me twice now I’m in his top five authors he’s ever worked with.

I had some people reach out and encourage me lately, too. One of them is a pro author with 6 books under her belt, and she told me my writing “has a beauty and depth to it that many are missing”. Another reached out and said he liked some of my sample stories and would love to buy my first book once I have a release date. I think I may actually have a few fans!

I will also be appearing on Amazon soon, with a publishing credit. While my prose has not been taking off all that well lately, my art has been doing quite well and has been drumming up excitement. Even a pencil sketch of an airship I drew got some heavy engagement.

Truth is, I’ve been holding back on you guys. But I’m going forward full steam now and don’t intend to stop. I’m going to keep submitting and stack up those rejection letters, and I’m going to let my artwork carry my name to recognition.

When that book gets published–and it will get published soon–I will get a real, honest-to-goodness Amazon author page. This is just the beginning, folks. We’re in for a heck of a ride.

If I have to convert my stories to manga or comic book art, so be it. I have the talent and ability to do so. I won’t let anything stop me.