It’s tough shopping for kids these days. What does one even get for their children?
There aren’t very many toy stores anymore–Toys ‘r’ Us was forced out of business for many reasons including toy manufacturers and vendors being contracted by greedy companies like Lucasfilm to pay non-refundable licensing fees, royalties on unsold goods, taking generous profit cuts with each sale, and demanding minimum orders for unpopular toys.
This left the beloved toy company crippled and in a state of massive debt; They were strong-armed out of business and liquidated due to a leveraged buyout they could do nothing about, thanks to “fiduciary duty”.
These days, most folks are forced to shop at places that have anemic toy aisles, like Wal-Mart.
And then a good portion of the toys available on the limited shelving are from brainrot influencers like Mr. Beast, or perhaps premium, outrageously-priced retro-bait toys designed for corporate adults who either never grew up or are suffering from a serious mid-life crisis and feel the need to display toys as desk candy.
So what should you say when grandparents are hounding you for a gift list?
The safe bets used to be Lego sets, Roblox gift cards, and Nintendo Switch video games.
But one can only give so many Lego sets before kids start getting sick of them. Brands and gimmicks can only carry little bricks so far, especially as the quality of the very brands that propped them up decline.
What about Roblox? Well, unless you’ve been living under a rock, I’m sure you’ve heard about the underage grooming that goes on unchecked in their game rooms; There’s heavy evidence suggesting more is afoot than just gross negligence. …Roblox giftcards are no longer welcome in my home.
And Nintendo Switch games are dwindling. They’re taking up less and less shelf space to make room for the Switch 2 library.
But the Switch 2 is perhaps the poster-child for why everyone seems to be sporting Clippy avatars lately – People are sick of not having true ownership of their own technology. And they’re sick of paying premium prices for what many feel are downgrades rather than upgrades. Over time, builds feel cheaper, features are taken away, and people start to notice.
Nintendo, meanwhile, has been pushing lazy ports like Super Mario Galaxy 1&2, charging outrageous premiums for sequels that aren’t necessarily better than what came before (culprits like Mario Kart World and Pokemon Legends ZA), and giving us cartridges that may look like physical games, but are actually glorified gift cards that let you redeem a download.
Many Switch 2 games require you to be online, forcing your children to agree to draconian EULAs just to play.
Like most smartphones and “smert” devices, the Nintendo Switch 2 is perfectly capable of listening in on your conversations without your knowledge or permission, and Nintendo can and will permanently disable your device at any time–without warning or recourse if they arbitrarily decide they don’t like the way you’re using the device (that you purchased and rightfully own).
A Mountain of Toys
The YouTube channel WorldClassBullshitters has done a fantastic job showcasing the unsold toys piling up at Ollie’s Bargain Outlets across the country, in a series called “Disney’s Unwanted Kingdom”.
The sheer mountain of unsold and marked-down Star Wars and Marvel merch nobody wants are a sight to behold. A Wakanda Forever “Shuricoptor” can be yours for $2.99 (plus an additional 15% storewide discount at checkout).
Times are tough at Ollie’s – They simply don’t have the floorspace for all this excess inventory. So they’re forced to aggressively mark down prices in perpetuity, in hopes that some terminal Star Wars fan will wander in to consoom more product.
But things are tough over at Hasbro, too, the primary producer of these terrible toys. They’re under a class action lawsuit from their own investors due to …misrepresenting their ability to move excess inventory.
Their continued insistence to produce toys nobody wants has sent their stock value plummeting from $106.22 (USD) at the beginning of 2022 to $74.83 today. (And today was an up day, so I’m not cherry-picking.)
It should come as no surprise that their all-time high (~$127.50) was during the last hurrah of Marvel fanboy madness around June 2019 (Avengers: Endgame premiered April 26th, 2019).
Since then, Disney has produced slop that all but the most die-hard fans can tolerate. And normies simply don’t talk about these properties around the water cooler anymore (except perhaps to reminisce about better times – or complain about how bad things have gotten).
This is Where It Gets a Bit Silly
Earlier this year, my children and I thought it would be fun to see what kind of quality toys we could find at Wal-Mart and the new Fake Toys ‘R’ Us at Macy’s. And we did not leave disappointed.
Let’s start with a staple go-to: Optimus Prime. He looked pretty cool in gold above, so surely the kids’ versions are faring well, right?
Sure, he’s looking a little squat, and maybe a little wide-chested. And he has arms like a T-Rex. The toy doesn’t even seem to match the image depicted on the box. Also, it looks like he just got pantsed by a bully. Hm. Maybe this one’s just a fluke.
Oh dear, this one’s festively plump. I think Optimus needs to lay off the chalupas.
Let’s move onto one of Geoffrey’s “buddies”.
We grew up with him, don’t you remember? He was always hanging out with our boy Geoff? No? Well, Macy’s seems to think so. No matter.
How about a little T.M.N.T. action?
Ah yes, Splinter in his tender youth, back when he was some greaseball mook with a beer gut and a pit-stained t-shirt sporting a thick New York accent, a curly shag, and a janitor mop because “somebody’s gotta clean up afta deez townies, ya kno?”
Let’s check in on Michael Angelo, everyone’s favorite party dude.
That’s right. Michael space Angelo.
Back in high school, Mr. Angelo was trying to launch a Joey Gladstone-style standup comedy career. He thought he didn’t need a disguise to be around the normies, but I guess Leonard Nardo didn’t have the heart to tell him that not wearing a bandana made him look like nightmare fuel.
Macy’s didn’t fare well in the stuffed animal department, but how about Wal-Mart?
This isn’t a manufacturing error? Really?!? I think… I’ll name him “Derpy”. Or maybe “Sloth”.
He’s a good boy, though. He’s trying.
Well, you really can’t go wrong with Pokémon. Surely the offerings will be of a higher caliber, especially considering that it’s the #1 top grossing franchise of all-time.
Oh my. What do we have here? A Pokémon Blu-Ray 3-pack?
This quote is certainly worth framing:
“I’m Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town, and I want to be a Pokémon Master!”
-Ash Ketchum
Maybe there’s graphics on the back?
Just a shiny reflection of yours truly.
At this point, we gave up. Turns out there really isn’t much worth owning in ye olde toy aisle anymore. But it’s a good place for a laugh or two.
The years of fierce game and toy competition, of truly owning your technology, and just having thick catalogs of super cool things to thumb through are long past us. I truly hope the magic returns one day. But to get there, we’ll have to reject what went wrong and stop giving money to people who hate us.
Nick Enlowe 