Could it be? Am I actually … writing?

Today, I have free time.

I should spend that time writing.

This is not the same as editing for me, or working under a hard deadline. Those things come easy. This is the age-old art of writing original fiction. I have no real deadlines, no real stakes. Nothing to work off of. Just pure creation, cut from whole cloth. I’m supposed to be writing for writing’s sake. For enjoyment. So why is it such a struggle for me?

The first and most immediate hurdle to overcome is … I haven’t been writing every day, so I’ve grown used to denying this particular neural circuit from receiving any activity at all (ghost-editing and writing non-fiction doesn’t count). Basically, my brain has been rewarded countless times for being lazy. That means I have to break all the mental blocks and fight the urge to do something else instead. Not an easy task for me.

I need to be writing. So, naturally, I feel like playing a video game right now. (I’m not kidding.) The way I see it, I have four options:

1. Treat it as a reward.
2. Get it out of the way first.
3. Fight that urge and write, instead.
4. Just follow my urges (and don’t write at all).

Three would be the best answer. One would be second best. Two would be even worse, and four would be the absolute worst decision I could make in this scenario, the “do as thou wilt” option, consequently.

So what’s a “writer” to do? Well, I am human, after all. I went with #2. I checked my Emails, watched my friend’s podcast, read his blog, got lost reading comments for awhile, went to read a book with my wife, and, yes–briefly–played a video game. I procrastinated, I admit it. Now that THAT’s out of the way, I fortunately still can’t shake this urge to write, and all that other stuff’s effectively out of my system (for the time being).

I also took my obligatory bathroom break and got a snack. I did anything I could to postpone the inevitable. The whole time I felt like I was trying to drag my brain to the story, but it was throwing a temper-tantrum along the way.

That brings us to the next hurdle: getting myself re-acclimated to the project. (Mind, this wouldn’t be a problem if I was writing every day. But here we are.) I need to remember where I was in the project and how best to proceed. Jumping into the middle of a nuanced story months later is disorienting. What was on my mind the last time I was writing this? What trajectory was the story headed? Do I still want to go in that direction, or have things fundamentally changed?

Speaking of, I’ve dutifully written down the ideas and snippets that floated into my head during all this downtime, which means I can’t continue my work without reviewing and sorting through the ideas.

Some of them are for my novel (Five Rings), some are for the short story I’m working on right now (The Machine), and others are for future projects. They’re all in the same document, in the very order I dreamt them up (in other words, a nonsensical and completely random order).

But the good news is, once I’m done sorting through this ideas document and have everything placed where it needs to be (and in the proper chronological order), I’m guaranteed to write today (and, as a bonus, am more likely to write again tomorrow, if only to save me the headache of having to sort through this dreadful document again). It’s a document of shame. The larger it’s grown, the longer I’ve been out of the writing game.

In short, sorting through this document is my penance for the crime of not writing.

The third hurdle to overcome is opening the actual story document. Easier said than done, but fortunately, my notes have given me plenty of leads. Just because I wasn’t writing doesn’t mean the story wasn’t percolating in the back of my mind, and I think I managed to stumble upon that magical “x-factor” which will elevate this story in interesting ways. I’m excited to try it out and see if things clique into place once I’ve added the new idea. Sometimes, an idea like this can be a watershed moment that helps the story flow like it never did before. And it can be a good enough motivator to make me want to continue writing.

The fourth hurdle is to fight the inclination to edit what’s already there and move forward. I have to ignore/kill my inner-editor. Another herculean task.

And the final hurdle is to take all the information I’ve learned and actually write. It’s at this point–when I’ve finally set aside all those distractions and become one with my story–that I begin to realize how utterly meaningless those earlier distractions were. You’d think I’d feel bad about all the time I’ve wasted on bread and circuses, but in creative mode, I start to feel good about myself, my life, and what I’m doing right now. In this moment, it doesn’t matter whether I’ve finished my novel or how much I’ve chosen to procrastinate in the past. All that matters is I’m working on my project right now. I’m doing the right thing. I’ve overcome the hurdles.

And just like that, all the stress melts away. I’m in a better mood. And once I’m in the thick of writing fiction, I realize I’m enjoying the process far more than my brain-tantrums suggested, and I realize I don’t want to stop writing. The urge to do other things has vanished.

Turns out my brain was trying to fight off a good thing, and I hope it figures that out, someday.